We’ve all been there—someone is upset, frustrated, or overwhelmed, and the first instinct is to say, “Calm down.” But here’s the thing—telling someone to calm down rarely ever works. In fact, it often makes things worse.
Why? Because it can feel dismissive. It minimizes their emotions instead of acknowledging them. When someone is anxious, angry, or distressed, what they need isn’t a command to shut down their feelings. They need to feel heard, understood, and reassured.
So, what should you say instead? Here are 8 better ways to help someone regain their composure—without making them feel unheard.
1. “I hear you. Let’s take a deep breath together.”
When emotions are high, people want validation, not instructions. Instead of telling them to calm down, show them you’re present. Inviting someone to breathe with you feels collaborative rather than corrective.
Why it works:
- It acknowledges their feelings.
- It offers a practical way to relax—without being pushy.
Example:
- “I hear you. This is a lot. Let’s take a deep breath together.”
2. “I see that this is really frustrating for you.”
Sometimes, people just need to be seen. Instead of trying to fix their emotions, acknowledge them. This makes the person feel understood, which often helps them regulate their own reaction.
Why it works:
- It validates their feelings.
- It shifts the conversation from reaction to understanding.
Example:
- “I see that this is really frustrating for you. Want to talk about it?”
3. “It’s okay to feel this way. I’m here for you.”
People don’t just need solutions—they need support. By reassuring them that their emotions are valid, you remove the shame or guilt they might feel for reacting strongly.
Why it works:
- It creates a safe space for emotions.
- It reassures them that they’re not alone.
Example:
- “It’s okay to feel this way. I’m here for you if you want to talk.”
4. “Let’s pause for a second and figure this out together.”
Instead of saying calm down, which sounds like a demand, invite them to pause with you. It shifts the moment from an emotional spiral to a moment of reflection—without making them feel shut down.
Why it works:
- It feels collaborative, not dismissive.
- It encourages problem-solving without pressuring them.
Example:
- “Let’s pause for a second. We’ll figure this out together.”
5. “I understand why you feel this way. What can I do to help?”
This one is gold. It does two things: it acknowledges their emotions and offers practical support. It’s one thing to see someone’s frustration; it’s another to actually help them through it.
Why it works:
- It makes them feel supported.
- It shifts focus to solutions without rushing them.
Example:
- “I understand why you’re upset. What can I do to help?”
6. “Take your time. I’m here when you’re ready.”
Some people need space before they can process their emotions. This phrase tells them that you’re not rushing them or invalidating their feelings—you’re giving them the room they need.
Why it works:
- It allows them to process at their own pace.
- It reassures them that they’re not alone.
Example:
- “Take your time. I’m here when you’re ready to talk.”
7. “You’re not alone in this. Let’s figure it out together.”
Sometimes, people feel overwhelmed because they think they have to handle everything by themselves. This phrase reminds them that they have support—and that they don’t have to face the problem alone.
Why it works:
- It removes the pressure of dealing with emotions alone.
- It turns a stressful moment into a shared effort.
Example:
- “You’re not alone in this. Let’s figure it out together.”
8. “I know this is tough. You’re doing the best you can.”
One of the most frustrating things about being upset is feeling like you’re failing. This phrase reassures the person that it’s okay to struggle and that they’re handling things as best they can.
Why it works:
- It acknowledges their difficulty without judgment.
- It encourages self-compassion.
Example:
- “I know this is tough. You’re doing the best you can, and that’s enough.”
Final Thoughts: It’s About Support, Not Control
Telling someone to “calm down” is often more about our discomfort than theirs. We want the situation to stabilize, so we say it without thinking. But the reality is, people don’t calm down because they’re told to—they calm down when they feel safe, understood, and supported.
Next time someone is overwhelmed, try one of these alternatives. You’ll not only help them navigate their emotions, but you’ll also strengthen your connection with them.
Because real emotional support isn’t about shutting feelings down—it’s about holding space for them.